Thursday, 28 October 2010

Going for a fishing

The first paper for this final is just around the corner, yet I'm still feeling2 online and doing many stupid stuffs here on the internet. Living here in Jengka is somewhat very frustrating and bored-to-death sometimes, so people here tend to do many things to ease their lack of amusement. You don't believe it? Just check their posts on facebook. None of their activities ever relates here!

So, like most of the Jengkanese do, me too are very desperate to try whatever interesting things possible. Do something or be parish in boredom! And for me, i just came up with the craziest idea ever - going for a fishing. What is crazy about that? Hahaha. I'm not going to fish at some rivers or lakes, stupid. I want to go fishing somewhere into the deep and oceanic blue of PR!

what is PR? heheh. I'm not gonna tell you here. Well most of you are definitely not familiar with it, because that blue ocean is strictly forbidden for females (at least you'll get the idea).

anyway, I've heard from my friends that this part of the world is full of hungry fishes, like piranha, sharks and whatever. So i think why not if I went to fish there and ruins somebody's feelings in the process? i like ruining or at least playing with other people feeling! hehe

Hurm that might be interesting. but i must set up my mind that I'm not looking for partners and definitely no 18SX - just wanna talk to someone whom is desperate and dump him in the end. HAHAHAHA! (devilish laugh)

very mother f**ker indeed! geez!

And therefore by holding that so-called "pure" intention, I sailed upon there and throw my fishing rod. At the first night, the catches are not so encouraging. I only get some ugly looking squids that aren't even luscious to even make a dried shredded squid. (believe me, they're too hideous to even look at. yet i find it very surprising to know that these species even exists, and maybe it wasn't even been cataloged yet in taxonomy. very bizarre indeed)

After a failed attempt in the first two days, I examined what had been wrong. Is it the fishing rod that gave the problem, or it is the bait itself which are not good enough for the big fish? I choose the latter. Hence i look at my collection of bait that i have and i think none of it is potent enough to lure the big fish into my trap. so now what i need is to find or make a new bait. I need a major makeover!

Hence i seek the help of a semi-professional. (professional helpers came up with photo-packages which needs $!). He's a friend of mine, whom are a skillful plastic surgeon (via photoshop of course!) slash international underground figure. (He has already setting a record on catching many species of sharks, and now had settled down after finding his greatest catch so far - a Norwegian white shark!)

Well to shorten the story, he had helped me (and also taught me) to make a new fresh bait. so fetch! (thanks a lot sensei! i really appreciate it!) now the fishing game has move a step to a new level - more interesting than ever!

and last night I've went into the ocean again and test my luck. But luck wasn't really on my side last night due to the tide, which makes the ocean sea to become shallow and hence its really hard to sail further onto the ocean. but during this moment something extraordinary happen - i've been saved!

the revelation comes from one of my good friend, which has surprisingly suffering seasick after following me fishing for quite a while. for some reason my recently passion for fishing has struck the death upon him, and therefore he could not contained it anymore. he had to vomit; no, actually word vomit right onto my face. first i was quite shock with his sudden reactions, but after a while i understand his real intention. such a good friend indeed! =)

he said to me that this sea is very dangerous for me to ventured further in. and it is so devouring that a single mistake can lead you drowned into its dark waters, and there is no turning back after that. he felt responsible and guilty because he thinks that he is the one who've shown me the hidden path towards the sea, and now he thinks I'm so obsessed with it that he afraid that i might ended up falling from the grace of the heavens. well i think this is summary of what he had told me, analogically.

well the truth is he has a point there. maybe i'm quite obsessed with the intention in fishing and playing people's feeling that without notice, i might disappointing myself in the process. and I've also remembered before that I've asked him - as my friends before that please warn me if I've already almost crossing the boundary that I shouldn't ventured into. and for some reason i felt very grateful that he's done that. he saved me from the pits of hell!

as a result this "fishing trip" ends up unexpectedly, but in a good way i guess. I've already keeping up the rod as well as the bait and therefore destroy all the traces that I've made at that place before. and i thank God for His reminders and His love - that had preventing me to go astray further from His straight path.

P/S, if you really want to change or end your misdeeds, start it with paying attention to your daily solat. because if you never leave Him, He will also never leave u alone without His guidance. now i'm more than believe that solat is the best method in preventing (or saving) us from doing sinful acts. insyaAllah.

Monday, 25 October 2010

Blogs. Have you read them?

Today's word is flexibility. Why flexibility you might ask? Because that is one word that I can come up with after window-blogging so many blogs that exists infinitely in this edgeless realm.

Thanks to Khalidas, his commitment of almost 24-7 venturing from one blog to another - reading facts (despite the uncertain one), comments and review on almost everything, stories, fairytale (not the classic ones), real life drama that some are inappropriate be viewed by the public, and gossips (just intentionally highlighted that part since it constitutes 79% of the genre that revolves in almost every blog that we've seen) - which in the end also sparks my interest to do the same, but minus the period time spend.

What can I say about blogs is that, it is way better than Wikipedia. I've been known to have spend so much time reading anything that interests me on Wikipedia, mostly touches about historical facts, theology, as well as political and social fields that i find very fascinated about. But reading blogs, in some way it gives a disadvantage that it hard to find something that we want specifically since blogs are usually written in random fields (except for some oriented blogs that might gives you what you've asked for, but still it is a very random shot). Yet peoples still read blogs because it is appealing to see, interactive to explore and more importantly I find it very interesting and sometimes seducing to read what other people have in their mind.

Peoples like surprises, and that what almost every bloggers offers to their die hard followers. Sometimes it is far much better reading blogs than newspapers I would say, because blogs' content are not so formal, which means that it's not boring and dull. And bloggers tend to add up more "spices and sauces" into their writing so that their articles becoming more tantalizing and can struck to the mind core of their readers.

In concept, blogs applies the same rules as gossiping: the more accessories you add in your story, the merrier the audience. Hence the authenticity of the story is usually compromised to lure and soothes up the desires of their listeners. But blogs has its own of advantages to overcome these matters in the form of videos, pictures, citation or any other recordable proof that can become a subject of influencing if not manipulating the people and gain their trust on the bloggers' idea.

What is more flexible than that? Changes can be made almost instantly via blogs, and any news (or mostly rumors) can spread instantly around the globe. If you as lazy as me to write even a simple post on a blog, it's not lethal for you to just read them. You'll have nothing to lose, instead you'll might gain more than you've asked for.

If knowledge is the food of mind, therefore Blogs is its fast food. Eat them too much and the overdose preservatives will clog your head. Blogs are meant to read in your leisure times, not almost any time that you could find. So please, don't become too consumed over it, will ya?

Sunday, 24 October 2010

Broke-my-back without any Mountain (Part 1)

I got this stupid dream last night (Stupid?) about some scenes that I'm not quite remember exerted from movies that I think I've already saw before. But the setting of the stories, as well as the plots are so cliched and movie-like, so I think its safe to think that it really came from a movie that I've already well forgotten. Based on a half-true story.

The story is like this: It started with a presence of a new teacher at school that I not quite remember his name. But the very much difference for him is that he brought along a different way of teaching as well a new atmosphere towards its student, in a way that not all people can accept it.

Yes, that teacher is kinda sissy, but he does not afraid to show it to the public. With makeups and foundations at par with text books and etc., that will definitely cause an upsurge of cultural shock among the students, and definitely the teachers are not very happy with this. This dude-girl-wannabe should be in serious trouble right now.

But to shorten the story, he has one advantage that saves him from the dreadful inquisition of the school's conservative society -his bravery to stand up on what he believes in as well as a good sense of humor. In the end he gets the respect if not the approval for his "unique" behavior from his colleagues as well as some of the students (This is definitely just a dream. Don't expect this much on the real world sissy!).

But like in the movies, they're not complete unless there's a bad guy - in the form of the discipline teacher and well known as one of the four horsemen that brings apocalypse to the students that had fallen from his grace - whom lurking around looking at his opportunity to initiate a full-scale attack towards this so-called teacher.

Then as the plot continues, there is a boy, a student of his who are very fond of this teacher's bravery. He also inspired by how the teachers thought his students to believe and try to pursue their dreams. To stand up on what they believe in regardless on how other people might think or opposed it. He is like his knight in shining armor (By this moment the school somehow looks like a medieval school, where oppression on freethinkers are still strong and dwelling. Kinda exaggerating don't you think?).

This boy, whom I swear looks like the miniature version of Zackie Fernandez (minus the handicapped part) is so adored to this teacher and for some reason wants to follow this teacher's footstep. Not in the sissy kind of way I mean but how the teacher do whatever he feels like without any constraint or even considering the sanctions of the society. He do everything in his own way, a positive kind of way I mean. Not in a way that he dragged and wearing girls clothes in school and everyone felt okay with it!

So cutting all the craps in between, in the end the teacher finally gets a final warning on doing something that I'm not really sure what (That part is being disrupted by the alarm tone on my mobile, just imagine that it was something heroic ok). He barely passed the judgment with a knife on his throat that will cut him loose whenever he done any mistakes whatsoever in the future.

As the climax approaches, suddenly without notice his exercise book fell on the other side of the balcony, the side in which with a wrong step, he might end up on the school's courtyard - breathless. But since the book is important to him, he have to take that chances to take it back. He climbs the balcony's wall in a Korean sitcom drama kind of way and carefully stepped on the steep cement of the balcony edges. And eventually he succeeds with hardships.

But without his notice, his protege-wannabe student also saw the incident and thought that the teacher is doing something cool again if not stupid. So somehow he is so retardedly stupid to join the party (but kids, who can blame them?) and climb up the balcony's wall on his side. But as he finally made it, he slipped and fall, luckily on the top of a tent if I'm not mistaken.

But his luck ends here. Somehow the vengeful discipline teacher were also at the crime scene and caught the poor boy red-handed. He finally get what he dream for - a solid proof to eliminate his enemy once and for all. A chance of a lifetime. He ordered the student as well as his entire classmate to be assembled at the courtyard, waiting for their teacher who still are not aware of the situation to join the trial.

The bait is set, and now he just have to wait for the hero to come in and "save" the day.

So what will happen to the unfortunate boy and his sissy teacher?
To be continued...

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Hidupku yang masam2 manis

Hurm, hari ni sepatutnye menjadi hari yang menggembirakan dalam hidup aku. (xde la gembira sangat tapi agak lebih gembira la dari hari2 biase). Mane taknye, aku ni mane la tau berenang, n memg susah sangat nak g bkubang ke tempat2 yg bertakungnya air ni. So nak dijadikan cite hari ni c azmie stuju nak ajak kitorg 1 rumah ke Tekam Resort untuk g mandi2 kat sana.

So aku pkir why not, tambah lagi kalau mandi kat kolam renang lagi la slamat dari mandi kat mane2 jeram or sungai yg ade kat area Jengka dan sekitarnya ni. Maklumla kes kencing tikus yg mbunuh ramai org kat Lubuk Yu xlame dlu 2trase mcm smlm jer, n then xtau lagi camne kualiti kebersihan sistem air smulajadi kat cni still d takuk lame ke camne. So lebih baeklah jgn ambik risiko memandangkan final dah nak dekat.

So lepas semayang jumaat kitorg pon bgerak la ke tempat yg dijanjikan. Memg gegeh la preparation nyer sampai azmie sanggup masak nasi goreng (n aku siap gegeh pinjam bwg besar dr makcik sblh. TQVM makcik!!) untuk kitorg buat bekalan ke sana. Ala2 piknik pulak. Hehe. So akhirnye sampai la kitorg kat sane. Kolamnye xde la beso sgt, then ramai giler budak2 yg mandi. Segan pulak pd mulenye, tapi Khalid excited giler. Maklumla die tau berenang, aku lak novice pon x lagi. hehe. Tp yg beshnye ade byk spot utk brehat2 so kitorg duduk2 jela dlu sambil makan2 n feeling2 bakal prenang negara kat c2. Siap bwk kicap y'all, diva x? Hehe. Berangan yg xsudah2!!

Mule2 mcelop air kat citu, fuh dalam giler. 1.5M kedalamannye so ade la sampai lbh kurg dada aku. Pan pulak die feeling xnk mandi dgn 1001 alasannyer. sbb kolam kecik la, budak byk mndi la, selsema la.. byk tol songeh die. Padahal dah bayo 5 hengget td. So kitorang pon last2 g la brendam sgala. Then Pan yg mule2 feeling diva nak duk brendam kaki je kat gigi last2 keceebushh jugak masuk ke dalam air 2. Nk blajar brenang kaedahnye. hehe. Tmasuk aku la 2 gegeh mengipas2 kaki yg x timbul2. Pelik btol. Tp last2 aku bjaya jgk mlakukannye.

Sbnrnye brenang ni susahnye bile part nak synchronize kan pergerakan kaki, tangan dan seluruh anggota lain untuk sentiasa trapung dan bergerak. Bukan senang 2. Pehh nasihat ala2 jurulatih renang negara pulak wpun brenang lum tau lg. huk2. Dlm 5 org yg pegi td, cume Khalid dgn Azmie je yg maju. Yg len2 mlahar jek dlm air 2 tmasuk aku. hahaha.

Tp ksimpulannye memg puas hati jugak le, sbb xlame lepas 2 budak2 yg mandi td 2pon blah, so kitorg yg conquer tempat 2pulak. hehe. n then pd mase yg aku aku dah makin familiar dgn air, dah boleh tahan nafas lame, then yg bestnye dah bleh tolak kaki ke atas mase myelam. Kemajuan yg pesat utk aku yg tatau pape psl basic swimming ni.

Tp kan, bile dah masuk dlm air 2, memg susah giler nak kuar. Kalau boleh rase mcm xnak kuar lgsung jer. huhu. Tambahan pulak aku tringat pulak 1 fakta yg aku baca kat Maskulin, kalau brenang dlm masa 1jam boleh kuarkan lbh kurg 400 kalori, lebeh byk drpd bjogging. Tp yg bestnye brenang myeronokkan xmcm bjoging yg asyik2 kne wat mende yg sme je. Yg penting berangan kurus la pasni. Tp x kot rasenye sbb pas2 aku sambung pulak melantak lagi lebihan nasi goreng yg tinggal. heheh. Ala badan bile2 mse bleh dkuruskan.

Last2 faktor yg bjaya menarik kami sume kuar dr dlm air bilemane hujan lebat mula turun mencurah2. C Pan dgn Syuk pon cabut pegi mandi dah. Tp aku, Khalid dgn Azmie still feeling2 nak tunggu hujan reda n then sambung bkubang lagi. hehe. tp akhirnye niat kitorg x kesampaian d saat kedengaran 1 dentuman petir yg maha kuat, yg kami kira sbg suatu petunjuk dariNya supaya melupakan hasrat kami dan mula berangkat pulang.

So lepas mandi sgala kami pun pulang la d saat azan maghrib bkumandang. memg kepenatan sangat mase 2, tp bottom of the story trase puas ati sesangat. Maklumla aku 1st time dtg + mandi kat c2, mane x gembiranye. At least ade la jugak kodak moments yg aku boleh ingati spanjang 3 taun blajar kat Jengka ni, wpun x ambik skeping gambo pon kt sne (kcuali gambo pose berangan dengan moto sape ntah. Tp mletop gle motonye). huhu. xper la. kalau ade rezeki diorg berangan nk g lagi ke sane pas final nnti. InsyaAllah.

So kesimpulannye hari ni spatutnye hari yg sangat menggumbirakn buat aku. but as some ppl might say (or maybe I've heard in a movie or sumthing), sadness is joy's harbinger. Kadang2 kita alpa yang dsebalik kegembiraan 2pun ade tselit suatu bentuk dugaan dariNya jugak. Hurm~

Ntah camne timbul pulak salah paham antara aku dgn ibu someone. Padahal isunye kecik je. Huhu. Tp dsbbkn aku hormat die sbg seorg ibu yg bjaya mlahirkan dan mendidik anak2 yg mithali spt anak die yg jugak mrangkap kwn aku, aku just senyap je. Seriously, aku memg pndang tinggi pada die. Dialah bg aku contoh ibu mithali yg harus dijadikan ikutan oleh stiap ibu2 d dunia ni.

Tapi dugaan dtg dlm macam2 rupe. Aku x marah bile die marah2 kat aku disebabkan 1 statemen aku yg mungkin disalah tafsir. Tapi aku sgt terkilan bilamana die cube mlibatkan org lain, smpai tnye org lain same ade diorg kenal aku or bkwn dgn aku. Macam statemen aku 2 teruk sgt. Aku terasa aku ni manusia jahat yg hanya mberi bad influence pd anak die. Aku xkan padam statemen 2 dr comment list anak die, sbb aku pcaya yg sume ni hanyalah salah paham. Mungkin die ingat aku sdg mhina atau mdoakan sesuatu yg buruk pd cucunya yg baru lahir itu. Entahlah. Tapi demi Allah xpenah langsung aku tpikir ke arah 2.

Maaflah kalau aku tlalu emosional ttg pkara ni. Mungkin org lain akan pkir, ala ni pkara kecik jer, tp kecik lagi hati aku yg menerima dugaan ni. I tried to get it off my mind, but it really stabbed me deep into my heart because it involves someone whom i really respect - a mother. I know that she has raised a good sons and daughters, but please consider that i'm too is someone else's son. I too have a mom.

And seeing you saying that to me, it's just making me felt very terrible. it feels like my mom has raised a bad son whom doesn't know any manners when speaking with others. People would always say that children behavior reflects their parents' manners as well, so for me its just another way of saying that my mom does not teach her kids well, which is so not true.

It's just a misunderstanding, and yet I really hurts me a lot.

Yes, I am an "anak mak". my mom is whom i hold dearest to, and making my mom or someone else's mom feeling sad or even offended is really one thing that I would hope never to do. Hence, I'm so sorry for all the commotion I've caused. Really do. Hope that all this confusion could be settled a.s.a.p. =(

Wednesday, 13 October 2010


Alhamdulillah. After a couple of weeks waiting, the list is finally out. I was offered to be interviewed for degree application of TESL. I really felt thankful for Him for all of His grace upon me. But that's just a one step forward, and the road is still a long way to go. People always say, no gain will come without pain. That's so true. The venue of the interview is at UiTM Shah Alam, and it will be conducted with the same day as my ETR presentation. What a dilemma!

For instance I feel like luck is not on my side and I would have to let go all of my dreams. But my heart says to me, there's definitely be obstacles before achieving triumph, but never to give up on them. And I have faith that God will never give such an opportunity for me to just seeing it just slipped from my hands like that. I believe that there is something that I need to accomplish in this life, and I really pray that God is still on my side.

Nonetheless, I don't want to sit here doing nothing, at least I want to try my best to pursue for it and let God do the rest.

To all my friends, thank you very much for giving me such a support. You all are treasures that I would lie deep into the bottom of my heart. And I would never forget all of you and such a memorable moments here. Ever.

Sunday, 10 October 2010

I'm almost 21. So what??

It's just one and a half month or so to go until I will officially celebrating my 21st birthday. But as I walk towards the so-called the golden period that divides between my teenage life and adulthood, it seems that there's no significant changes in my life - which in return gave me a sudden feel of demoralization. There's still no changes in the course of my life. I realized that until now, I have achieve nothing. What is more disappointing than that??

To tell you the truth, what I really have in my mind that defines what 21st is all about is something extraordinary: something that I should change or improvise regarding my progress in life.

Maybe other 21-year-old newbies have enjoy a degree of privileges venturing into new lifestyle or finding a new interests, or just already enjoying their life as a working-class Malaysian. What a great life lies ahead in front of them. All of these are the least changes that I've always imagined as reaching for the so-called sweet twenty-first.

At least the most pathetic achievement that I could think of is becoming less-dependent if not independent from the burden of family or just living everyday life to the fullest towards a great and memorable future.

But ironically for me, the advent of me reaching 21 has no significance - it does not feel any difference as when I celebrated my 12 years old birthday bash with cakes n friends etc. I mean where are the excitement? Is there even something to be celebrated about besides the fact I'm becoming older and part of my youth have slipped away meaninglessly??

Therefore I don't think I have anything to be celebrated for my 21st birthday. The truth is I've already planning for my future, but lacking of commitment seems to driven me afar from reaching it. I realize that planning is just a little step towards the future, but what matters is how we determined enough to pursue it.

I should stop thinking like a 12 years old kid whom just reaching his puberty and thinks that everything around him is still new and there's so much time to be wasted. Before I started to get into weird thinking that all was already too late and too insignificant to even move on, I really need a major makeover, up-close and personal. Both outside and inside! Pronto!
10.10.10 (the same day of the wedding of our famous astronauts which I've already missed because someone came up first and want to see Motor GP. Geez~!)
Starting today, I want to do what I really desired to do, not the other way around. The problem with me is that I like to ignore what my heart and mind tells me and just listening to the seduction from my lust in continuing to live a hollow and meaningless life.

It's really true Dr. M, that we Malays are tend to forget on everything when they are being pampered in the comfort zone. I want to change that fact. I will try my best to pursue my real dream instead of chasing silly dreams that can never happened.
"We can't become what we need by remaining what we are." -Max Dupree
God help me please. I need You more than ever.

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Choosing the right choice

Everyone has their own dreams in life. So do I. But sometimes I felt confused with what I want to choose as my dream career. A doctor? A lawyer perhaps? None of that suits my heart.

By the time I stepped into here, I have set a purpose for my life: to give this 3 years of studying as an opportunity to explore different kind of fields, to seek which are the career that I dream for and looking for a job that I want to do with all my heart for the rest of my life.

By this three years I have found new friends and learnt about many new things, some of it are good in nature while others are really just good to be known for but never to be done. Finally these 3 years of learning finally came to an end. And it find me kinda troubled to think that all these years I have wasted n yet still no absolute decision on what I'm going to do next.

People always say that if your heart feels uncertain about making any big decisions, then ask for guidance from God. It's always been crossed in my heart all these while to consider performing Solat Istikharah, but in the advent of Eid that was just around the clock back then, with addition of my lack of time management results with me just asking from God via daily prayers only. No more.

But God is always merciful on me. By the time the application form almost meets its due date, I seek some counsel or rather to be surveying on what are my friends choices for their degree. I get a lot of comments and suggestions. But in the end, the advice from one of my best friend really opens my heart and mind.

I remembered the last thing he told to me when I was hesitating whether to put Biology or TESL as my first choice to pursue on becoming either a lecturer or at least a teacher (if God's permits it). He says, "Why do you want to choose something that you don't really like over the ones that you like the most? You really love to English so much, you can speak well in it, you enjoys everything regarding English so much, then why must you pursue into fields that you are not really into your heart with it?"

That question really struck me to the core. For some time now, I really have been clouded by the prospect of science-based field of studies. My decision before is really being confused by the thought that only science fields are capable to withstand the violent competition in the job sector. I was blinded by the thought that industry and medical are the only worthy option to be pursued to further my studies.

And the most important is I almost fall into the seducing thought that my CGPA's means that I should choose better fields which are much more challenging and throw away my own desires.

And thank God I've never done so. It feels like I've been given a revelation from God, a true sign that made me came back into my senses. And all the uncertain path ahead suddenly seems cleared. And finally I choose TESL as a major in pursuing my study and I never felt more confidence than this.

In the end, I always thinks that this was really a sign from God to show me my future. Maybe I'm not a very pious person, but I believe that God will always shows us the right path if we pray really hard for it. I believe that everything that God had planned for us, either it a good thing or the contrary, is His way of showing His love and charity towards us.

Everything that were written in our fates have its own blessing in disguise. After all, He is the All Knowing, the Omniscient. Hence never forget to be thankful for every single moments that we went through in our lives.

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Sakitnya aku, membenci kamu. Sakit lagi mencintaimu

Benarkan ku 'tuk berbicara...
Bicara terus ke hati mu...
Hati mu...
Hati yang penuh rasa ragu
Jangan terus pergi
Tanpa mendengar ku
Mungkin mudah
Untuk kau terus berlalu
Nanti dulu
Berikanlah waktu
Untuk aku, untuk kamu

Ingatkah lagi waktu kau bersama ku
Kaku aku melihat mu
Lidah kelu sedangkan aku
Mahu kau tahu
Aku cinta pada mu
Benci pada mu
Cinta pada mu

Ke tepi lihat ku berlalu
Pasti itu yang terbaik untuk ku
Tiada lagi mahu ku tahu
Tentang hidup kamu
Tentang mati kamu
Aku tahu
Engkau tahu apa yang mata ku tahu
Apa yang kau tunggu
Mahu aku buka pintu?

Ingatkah lagi waktu kau bersama ku
Kaku aku melihat mu
Sedang aku mahu kau tahu
Dengar kata ku
Aku cinta pada mu
Benci pada mu
Cinta pada mu

Sakitnya aku
Membenci kamu
Sakit lagi mencintai mu
Dan aku pergi
Tapi kembali
Benci aku mencintai diri mu
Ku benci... Kamu
Ku cinta... Kamu

Sejak akhir2 ni aku memang xrase jemu mendengar lagu Bencinta ni. Hari2 aku mendengarnye berulang2 kali melalui mp3ku. Xsangka memg hebat penangan vokal Faisal Tahir ni. Kiranye memg xsia2 la tindakan dier meninggalkan kumpulan nasyidnya pada masa dulu dan berkecimpung solo di dalam arena muzik tanahair ni. Dah cukup cite psal dier kat cni. Ape yg aku nak citer pasal lagu die sbnrnye.

Sebenarnye dlm diam lagu ni membuatkan aku kompius tentang ape sbenarnye yg aku nak dlm hidup ni. Bile aku dgr lagu ni membuatkan aku teringat pada si A. Serius memg sebenarnye aku still xdapat nak lupekan dier spenuhnye walaupun sem lepas mcm nak rak meroyan segala bagai. Tapi kebenaran tersangat la ironi.

Aku slalu mbayangkan bahawa perasaan cinta pertama harusnye mjadi sesuatu memori indah yg xdpt aku nak lupe selamenye, but in reality ianya menjadi sesuatu yang sangat menyeksakan. In reality ianya adalah sesuatu yang xmungkin untuk aku kecapi. Bak kte org, diluah mati bapak, ditelan mati mak.

Hanya Tuhan je yg tau btapa seksanye aku utk melepaskan die. Kerana aku tau permintaan aku ini xmungkin akan tertunai. Even kalu somehow hubungan ini berlaku, aku xkan gembira dan tenang untuk menerima seadanye. Inilah jalan terbaek untuk kami berdua. Walaupun hidup kami bsilang di satu paksi namun kebenarannye, kami berjalan di trek yang berbeza. Semakin cepat aku terima kebenaran ni, semakin mudah utk aku move on. Sekurang2nye 2la yg aku aku harapkan. Namun ianya xsmudah yg dfikirkan.

So in the end aku mengambil keputusan utk membuang si die selamanya. Watpe nak simpan sesuatu yg xkan dapat aku miliki seumur hidup aku. Life is too short to be wasted on something trivial like that. At least 2la statemen aku bile nak pujuk diri sendri, wpun kdg aku trase life is meaningless without someone to shared with. Aku xnak hidup kat dunia ni sorg2, dan aku jugak xnak settle down awal2. So what's the point of making a serious relationship rite now?

So aku just pendam je ape yg aku rase, pendam dan terus pendam. Aku membayangkan mungkin suatu hari nnti bile umo aku mcecah 30an aku akan cari someone untuk mengisi kekosongan yg aku rasai selama ni. Tp aku masih terus tertanya2 sampai bile kah aku dapat berterusan berkeadaan begini. Ah! Biarkan! Jangan dilayan! Sibukkan dirimu dan jangan fikirkan tentangnya sahaful!

At least aku percaya yang Tuhan itu Maha Kaya. Aku percaya yang jodoh dan ajal maut itu adalah ketentuanNya. Dia lebih mengetahui ape yang terbaek untukku. Maka aku xkan membuat pilihan hidup mlainkan berdasarkan kehendakNya. Tidak sesekali aku akan mendahului diriku dari fitrahNya. Dan aku percaya si dia yang sejati - yang ditentukan olehNya untuk berkongsi hidup denganku masih ada diluar sane. Aku akan terus mencari, insyaAllah.

Ya Allah bantulah aku untuk mencari cintaku yang satu, yang dapat membimbingku ke arahMu, yang dapat membantu memberi ketenangan kepadaku, yang sentiasa menemaniku hingga ke akhir hayat... Amin~

Sunday, 3 October 2010

I'm feeling thankful, yet I'm still not contented

Last night when I was looking at Sassy Girl Chun Hyang, I could not myself let in astonishment looking at the life of its antagonist, President Byun. It's not his face that I'm so fascinated about but it was really just his way of life. The life of the Korean elites and conglomerates maybe far from reach, but I would say that I lie if I really not tempted with this kind of lifestyle.

Even Sir Nick said that business is 9/10 of the source of wealth in the world. Everything can be made into money, if you know how to do it. For some time right now it had been crossing through my mind towards venturing into these kind of sector, but I don't think I'm qualified enough. But who knows, time will tell whether God will give me the opportunity sooner or later.

When I choose to pursue my diploma here at UiTM Pahang, I've set up my mind that in this 3 years I will find the right course in my life that suits me, a life that I want to be for many years to come. A life that's full of passion but still obligatory with the teachings of God. I ventured into so many things, making friends with so many people, looking far beyond my previous life. Sometimes maybe it was a bad hair day, or maybe it was full of joy, but all of them are worth memories. I couldn't help but feeling grateful for everything that He gives me. Alhamdulillah.

And then this semester the big moment arrive, a moment where I should choose to set up the course of my life once and for all. It was something that I could evade before when fleeing here to UiTM, but I know I have to make the final option sooner or later. Thanks to my all my good friends, especially Khalid in which be friends with him for this three years had help me a lot in myself. He helps me how to express myself. I think he knows better how am I was back when I'm first starting here.

For him, Before I went here, I thought that by looking at incompetence I am with communication skill, spending here would definitely becomes a nightmare rather than a blessing. But God is benevolence. He gives me Khalid, Kikim, Kak Pah, Nok, Pan and others. Now I'm as happy as any other person would be. Because of them, I always feel happy and thankful with every moment that I has lived on. And I feel like I really feel indebted to Khalid for what he has done.

I've seen on drama at TV where good friends sometimes conflicted with each other but in the end that will make them stronger than ever, and I've had wished that maybe one day I could feel the same feeling too. And God really hear my pray. Maybe sometimes we're quarreling but that is friendship is all about. Sharing each other feelings and etc. But sometimes things came out unexpectedly.

I know he sometimes hides his true feelings, or just acting with others, or just behaving hypocritically or saying out escape lies to anyone that's new to him, or the one that makes him uncomfortable. That's what I know, or I think I really know after 6 semester with him. But all these years, I feel that the one he always tell out the truth or say what he really feels on almost everything is to me. But nowadays he's just becoming too secretive even with me. I couldn't help to feel that he tries to indulge me with his funny comments, but at the same time he concealed on his true feelings away from me. It's like he was uncomfortable with me, and started treating me like "other people".

These previous events couldn't make me wondering either he or me that has changed. I don't know. Maybe it was me who changed a lot and make he feels that I can no longer be trusted. Or maybe it was just only me feeling that he does not sharing-is-caring me enough. Whatever that I did or say that hurts you before, I really am sorry. It was kinda frustrated to feel that I was pushed away towards the corner, into the same group with the peoples that you don't really care about. It was really a jolly moments all these years, and therefore I don't want it to end like this.

So in the end I was hoping that there would be a turning point on this issue. But as people would say, the best solution starts with the truth. Hence I wrote again into to express my true feelings towards him. I want to ask no more other than forgiven on every misdeeds that I've done to you, and hope that we would share our true feelings again. And don't worry, these are the least issue that had troubled me right now, apart from the fact that final is just around the corner. I believe that everything can be solved.

Friendships always had its ups and downs after all, but in the end its perseverance that matters.