Friday, 18 January 2013

To reset or not to reset.

There's this new online game that I had just fall in love with, Ragnarok Online II. Well it wasn't a surprise there since I'm already had a long crush with its predecessor. It's the full 3D version of RO in Forsaken World-style but since it is Ragnarok-based therefore it is more established, had more players and its servers are always full - unlike "FORSAKEN WORLD" which surprisingly is living up to its name. Still, FW had the best graphics though.

What FW needs to beat up RO2 is a major publicity.
So to make things short, since this game promotes one-character-one-commitment-per-player style (or at least that's what I thought), I've been committing myself to find the perfect build for my character. Thus this involves me deleting my characters, already twice in order to find the perfect combination for my character.

Well for the first previous two characters, it was kinda easy for me to let them go since they're still at low level and thus I do not had much affection for them as I'm still learning the gamestyle, thus I'm still in my try-and-error phase. Therefore I told myself that the third remake is my true character that I tend to persevere, and that character had served me well, at least until last night, when I realized that I had make a mistake that I did not realized before.

Well it's just A MISTAKE, so how serious the damage could be? Well for me, the damage itself destroyed the so-called perfect impression that I had towards my character.

Well even though that comes out sounding so nerd, and I admit that I'm not a perfectionist myself, but as I'm already wasting my time removing and rebuilding it, thus it's not too much for me to expect more from my character rite? (now to think of it, its just around a week or so since I've started playing this game so suddenly I think it wasn't that wasteful haha)

While I'm still undecided whether to delete or not my third character, I think a lot about its pros and cons, its affects towards my plans for this semester break, and eventually towards my entire life.

Suddenly I wished that sometimes my life can also had a delete or reset button, just like the character. So that when I do mistakes, I could just easily delete my old character and make a new one, so that I could start fresh all over again. Then I could make the appropriate changes in my life without jeopardizing my future. I could do all the things that I want to do better without paying the toll from the mistakes that I've done before.

Thus I could just forget the past and pretend like they never exist. How easy my life would be. Or is it?

Having a delete or reset button, it turns out surprisingly, holds many flaw. As you can easily reset and start new at any time, you'll end up wasting your time as you'll continue living in your past when those who you once moving with continue to advance. Eventually, everyone will leave you alone at the back.

Such a waste of time, lingering on the past. Believing that you are securing your future yet what you only do is kept walking in circles around your past just because you're afraid of its consequences towards your future.

Eventually you'll realized that to undo your past mistakes is actually your biggest mistake for your future. What will you achieve in the end? Does it really worth spending your short life by repeating your life all over again?

And sure enough as the mistakes you've done may clouded your judgement, you'll forget that with rain also comes the rainbow. Even for an online game, you'll make contact with those around you - you fight together, you die together, you promise with them to meet again tomorrow - you make new friendships along the way. And just apply this to your real life.

So is it really worthwhile to severe all of these relationships that you've had just already established just for the sake of undoing a mistake? Do I still had the reset button for my life in my hands?

I haven't figured that out yet.

Tuesday, 15 January 2013

What do you see under your blanket?

What do you see under your blanket?

To be frank, once I never used a blanket while sleeping when I'm still a toddler. I'm getting used to enjoying the cold night breeze that sweeps through my feet and imagined as if it was just a breeze vaporized from a cool stream in a middle of a sunny day, and it felt serene. It makes me waking up feeling refreshed, as if the coldness of the night is somewhat providing me with the strength to get up the next day.

But at some point, my mum bought me a new blanket, as from her motherly view it must be dreadful spending the cold night with nothing warm to cover with. Therefore, even though I only put the blanket beside my pillow when I'm asleep, she would sneak in during the night and covered it up onto my body. It feels warm as it covered me - so secure like a warm sunlight from the Heavens in the middle of winter.

And from that moment I started to indulge in its comfort and protection.

From that moment onwards I started to share my life with my blanket. I would never sleep without a blanket, even until now. As if the blanket itself protects me from the harsh coldness of life. With it I dreamed about anything that I could achieve in life. I've once dreamt of becoming a cartoonist. No, I want to be a writer. Or maybe a pilot. Then I could fly a plane.

Sometimes, I just dreamed to be a totally different person, and imagined living in a totally different life. Sometimes, I wish my blanket is a time machine, where with it I hope to change the course of things and the mistakes I made in the past. Sometimes, I wondered why God never gives the things that I want. Sometimes this. Sometimes that.

It’s like life have no boundary when you’re under your blanket. You'll continue to dream until you fall into a deep sleep, and when you wake up you realized that reality is so much different and you would hoped to close your eyes again and continue your everlasting dream. It is like your life under the blanket offers more possibilities than the real ones, which most of the time are harsh and unforgiving.

But ironically, in the end, you’ll realize the cruel fact that your blanket is not comforting at all. The blanket itself is the real bogeyman that all these years had successfully scared you so that you would continuously hide under his false comfort. Because of it, you grow up afraid of everything around you. It slowly drives you away from your life.

Your blanket gives you warmth, but the warmth is preventing you to wake up early to pray and be thankful to God. It gives you comfort, but the comfort is forbidding you to seize the opportunities that comes around you. With it you close your eyes and sleep soundly, but ironically it makes you turn a blind eye towards your own life. Your blanket gives you everything, yet you gain nothing.

If you continue to close your eyes from reality and continue daydreaming throughout your life, then how is that makes any different than death itself?

You will never realized all of these when you’re still under your blanket. But if you take if off and feel the insecurity that grips you without your blanket, then you’ll see what you had already missed in your life. And it's never too late to chase them back when you're still able to be awaken.

Of course at some level of your life, a blanket is needed, but you had to realize that no good things last; you eventually had to let it go and face the world without it.

So if you’re still under your blanket right now, take it off and just wake up!

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

The lotus eater.

Last time, during my school years, when learning the literature component there's one of the short story that I've been fond for, called The Lotus Eater. Reading the text though, I've never understand during that time what the title really resembles, as for me the story does not have any connection with eating lotus whatsoever.

Then as time follows, I've realized that the title itself actually resembles closer to me than I'd imagined. Actually not just me, but for most of the people around me, including whom are reading this post. In the end, all of us in some way consumed our own "lotus" at some point of our own lives. The lotus of indulging daydreaming.

I believe that just like me, everybody has their own dream once in a while. A dream of having a luxurious car, a dream of being the most powerful person on the planet, or just fantasizing of doing nothing except lying down beside a money tree where it blooms all year long. Things that were not just under the sun, but even beyond it.

Yet it can be agreed to a degree that in most of our dream, we definitely imagined something different from what we've experienced from our reality. In simpler words, we dreamt of doing changes in our lives - either in the form of improvements, or totally out of the routine. Meanwhile, some of us become the lotus eater just to escape the reality that we've faced; the more harsh condition we're into, the more lotus we consume.

In the end, we become the victim of our own imagination, and continuing to build (and renovating) our castle in the air. Worst, we often invite others into our castles too, and share with them our indulging fantasy, in which in the end gave them false hope and comfort. And if you understand what I'm saying, all of these were not meant literally at all.

So I might as well asked, is it wrong to be a lotus eater? Is it sinful to have dreams for our future and making plans to change our lives? Is the lotus that we've consumed everyday - whether we aware of it or not - is worthless and a waste of time?

The answer is - ladies and gentlemen - is not even close. Becoming a lotus eater is one of our own intrinsic necessities that drives our own intrinsic motivations towards achieving something. Inspirations is a gift from God; without it, Sir Isaac Newton would never had guessed the force that bind all existence altogether, nor will Bill Gates brought himself to his position today. They've once had become the lotus eaters at some stage of their lives, and from that point they progress and brought changes to this world.

Hence, it cannot be denied the fact that some great peoples amongst us were actually a lotus eater, just as me and you. But what make them succeed in achieving what they dreamt for, which some of us had yet to come? The truth itself most probably lies how we "eat" our own lotus all these years.

The lotus itself is a priceless gift of divine inspiration, as it gave self-uniqueness of each person existed and thus define them exclusively. But without the strong need and determination to achieve it, it is basically worthless. Thus, the lotus value depends on its consumer. A great achiever is not measured upon from what he had inspired in his mind, but how he transpires it into reality.

It is ironic that in this so-called moments which marks the height of human progress and development, one's success is defined through their ability of creating "lotuses" for others; literally attaining achievement by indulging the lives of others around them, making them preoccupied with trivial matters around them and therefore abandoning their own dreams. These could be seen in our own scenario, where the advancement of  media, showbiz, games, and other different kind of entertainments quickly surpasses other sectors and it is one of the most lucrative industry across the globe too.

The fact that most people are okay (and maybe even craving) to be indulged with these kind of addiction eventually ignite those who had the realization that these lotus eaters are beneficial to their own profit, and thus continuously creating lotuses for them - just as the British government provides opium to the Chinese in exchange for tea, which symbolizes wealth at that time.

Back to the point, being a lotus eater isn't bad if you realize the degree of your addiction towards it. And for once, don't just imagine the moments of triumph and indulgence when you're finally there, but also think about how to get there as well. It maybe not as beautiful as we've hoped for in reality but nevertheless in the process it would probably crisscrossed with something that we'd always yearn for - the turning point of our own lives. Who knows, right?